


He Doesn't Like Endings

by ficcrosser



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Post Episode: s07e14 The Name of the Doctor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 07:44:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficcrosser/pseuds/ficcrosser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She knows that it’s catty, but if he is going to be fine and charming, then she will damn sure be her charismatic self. Sometimes she wonders whether this thing between them is just a game of stubborn egos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The producers had made it clear to all present and past Who big-wigs that this event was mandatory. Nonetheless Alex had done everything she could think of to get herself out of tonight. She tried on ten dresses before Salome finally pushed her out the door, reminding her that it wouldn’t help her anxiety to be late. She was right, but Alex was determined to find a last-minute escape from this hellish meet and greet.

It isn’t the small talk that bothers her. In fact, that would be a welcome distraction from her recent state of mind, but it would be impossible to hope that _he_ wouldn’t be there, and as long as he is nearby, she knows she won’t be able to relax. It had been three months since she’d seen him. Three months and only one text. One text. _Happy birthday! Matt x._ No terms of endearment, no questions. They had been so comfortable with one another and had talked about moving in together at some point when their schedules didn’t drive them totally crazy.

And this was supposed to have been a big birthday for her. She had been thinking well in advance about all the ado that would be thrown in her honor by friends and family. But she’d always pictured him there. In fact, the moment she walked in on the surprise party at her parents’ house, she automatically scanned the crowd for his face, confused for a moment when it wasn’t there. The whole night she had foolishly thought he might drop in, apologizing for running late.

They had been so good and for just long enough that she had forgotten to be on her guard. It had felt like things would just be that way forever, so warm and in sync. And she knew better. Of course she considered the impracticality, the impossibility. But she never expected this ending. Was it an ending? What had gone wrong and when? She’s been asking herself that for quite a while, but she still couldn’t answer.

Wearing her favorite low v-neck black dress that always makes her feel a little more herself, Alex couldn’t bring herself to be later than she already was, so she walks along at a brisk pace, catching glimpse of the media as she turns the corner. Thankfully, this is within walking distance of her apartment. She has been planning to show her face before he gets there and then quietly excuse herself before they have to see each other. Moffat wouldn’t be happy, but after that last episode, she really didn’t care much what that sodding-

She hears him before she sees him, and her stomach first plummets and then lodges in her throat. He is in the middle of the crowd outside. He laughs for moment with a reporter, before heading inside with a woman on his arm. Probably Jenna, they had seemed quite comfortable the last time she was here, for filming. Making her way through the press, Alex puts on her best smile. She knows that it’s catty, but if he is going to be fine and charming, then she will damn sure be her charismatic self. Sometimes she wonders whether this thing between them is just a game of stubborn egos. From his lack of communication the last few months, their relationship had obviously been over for a while, but she isn’t about to show how much it hurt her.

She’d rather suffer almost any other humiliation than let him, or anyone for that matter, know how much he had hurt her. She thinks about the dreams she has almost every night, her subconscious forgetting about her loneliness only to painfully remind her the next morning. Alex replays the last shooting over and over again in her head, but she more often feels like she’s inventing details than remembering them. Even now, she could feel how disheveled she must seem. She didn’t do anything to her hair before she left, and it was expanding in the light drizzle of the Welsh air. Her eyes seemed always puffy lately, and she couldn’t concentrate for long talking to anyone.

Alex steps into the large ballroom, finally getting inside, only to be greeted warmly, and perhaps a bit meekly, by Stephen. She had been cross with him for not telling her whether she has a place in the upcoming season or not. After all, this traveling between the UK and Los Angeles wasn’t cheap, and she needed to be able to plan the year ahead with her daughter and her ex-husband. Stephen smiles at her, and ushers her towards the spread of food before being dragged away by a producer. He knows her well and she takes his silent apology with grace.

Alex loads a small plate with food that she can munch on to calm her nerves. The room is packed with strangers and friends, like Kaz and Arthur, but her eye is unwillingly drawn to Matt and Jenna in the corner, posing for pictures. Looking down, she grins knowingly. She can’t help but find his posing a bit adorable, even with all the anger and sadness she feels seeing him. She has no idea how he will react when he sees her. He must have assumed she’d be here. Maybe he won’t react at all and ignore her the whole night. Logically, Alex thinks, this would be kindest, and the most professional thing to do. But the sharp ache in her chest makes her realize that that is exactly what she has feared about this night.

Focusing wholly on the cubed cheddar in front of her, she ignores the rumbling pang of loss that is permeating her whole body. You can get through this, she thinks to herself. Damn it, you’re too old to let a sour relationship interfere with your life like this.

Pulling on a smile that goes no further than her face, Alex musters up her best social graces and begins to wander and chat. When she makes her way over to Arthur, he gives her a big hug before asking how she is. She had told him about her relationship with their mutual co-star, but hadn’t told him about the rough patch a few months ago, or how everything had sort of just dissolved and their silence since.

“So Alex, how’s the big romance? Are you dying to get away and get up to some trouble with you-know-who? Still a pair of bunny rabbits, I’m sure.” Arthur pries, when she doesn’t say anything for a minute.

Pushing tears from her eyes, Alex forces a fake smile, looking down at her empty plate and replies defensively, “Oh that! No, of course not. That was just a silly little thing. It was stupid. He meant nothing. Less than nothing. Truthfully, I’m glad it’s all done with. Can’t see why I bothered in the first place.”

Alex finally feels that she is succeeding at this game she is playing of who is most fine, and she starts to feel some confidence build within her, the first in a long time. Yes, it was a lie. But she wasn’t about to tell anyone, even Arthur, about how she longed to go back in time and stay there. Looking up to see Arthur’s reaction, she is shocked to instead be met with the exact face she had hoped to avoid. Locking eyes, he looks confused and more heartbreakingly sad than she’s ever seen him. Suddenly, her words, her thoughts, her confidence, are all gone. All that’s left is the pain and an overwhelming, growing anxiety that she just caused some irreparable damage and can never, ever go back to before. She breathes out the only word available to her.

“Matt.”


	2. Dreams Delight, Dreams Destruct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How dare he make her feel guilty for saying what he had shown to be true for months? On the other hand, she thinks, it’s Matt. Can she honestly tell herself that she doesn't still care about him? Looking down at her phone, Alex suddenly wants to hear his voice.

Alex had stood awkwardly, in the middle of a crowded room full of photographers and investors and coworkers, with Matt’s eyes boring into her, for what seemed like hours. His posture was stiff but defeated. Suddenly, and without a word, he had turned from her and walked off.

The rest of the night was a blur for Alex. She only talked to people when she had to, and even then, all she could think about was what she’d said. _He meant nothing._ Had that really come out of her mouth? She had barely dragged herself there in the first place, sure the situation couldn’t be worse for her. But her big mouth and her stupid ego had certainly proved that not to be true.

Now, sitting on her sofa hours later, Alex looks at her phone, as if expecting his face to pop up on the screen. She feels a mixture of regret and annoyance. Why hadn’t he said anything? The Matt she knew would have come back with a clever retort and found a way to make the conversation comfortable. He would have saved her from her own social failings. But this silent Matt. That’s what concerned her. His gradual shift to silence had started all of this, and she had begun to fear that it was permanent.

Alex had first noticed something was wrong when they were filming in Manhattan. Matt had been bubbly and happy to see her, and then, a few days in, it happened. He was withdrawn and started going out of his way to avoid her. They still did everything they did before, but he didn’t stare lovingly when she was talking or steal kisses when no one could see them on set. It was like he shut down and, no matter what she said to him, he wouldn’t talk to her about it. He was done and she didn’t know why. Even Stephan noticed a change in their chemistry since the beginning of the shoot.

Coming back to tonight, Alex couldn’t understand why had he looked so hurt when she dismissed their relationship? After all, she’s the one who’s hurting. He hadn’t shown any pain, or anything at all for that matter.

Alex begins to feel rumblings of anger in her gut. How dare he make her feel guilty for saying what he had shown to be true for months? She takes a deep breath to calm herself down. On the other hand, she thinks, it’s Matt. Can she honestly tell herself that she doesn’t still care about him? Looking down at her phone again, Alex suddenly wants to hear his voice. She remembers all the late night calls to each other, how wonderful it was in LA to wake up to his call, him whispering in her ear.

Alex looks at the clock. 3 AM.

He’s got to be asleep. She’d like to be, but her guilt is like caffeine in her system. She just wants to hear his voice, hear that he’s okay. Or maybe she wants him to pick up the phone and somehow start talking easily to her like he used to. Often, he’d talk to her until morning. If she calls now, she’s not sure what he’d do. And she really shouldn’t aggravate things.

Still, some of her sleep-deprived impulses get the better of her, and she texts him.

_Are you awake love?_

The endearment leaves her fingers before she realizes, and for a moment, she’s terrified she’s lost the right to use it.

Alex waits five minutes, but gets no answer. She knows she should leave it alone, how can she go to bed right now anyway? She’s guaranteed to have another one of her dreams, and this time it’s just too much. She needs to talk to him.

She dials the phone without thinking, and holds it to her ear. The ring goes on for what feels like forever, and just as Alex is panicking about whether she should leave a message, there’s a click on the other end. She doesn’t hear anything, so after a moment she speaks quietly.

“Hello?”

“…Yeah.” He grumbles after another minute. She wish she could tell his mood.

“Oh. Um, it’s Alex. Hi. I just…I-“ She realizes she hasn’t thought about what she would say to him. She’s never had to work this hard to talk to him before.

Matt is the first one to break the uncomfortable silence that had fallen.

“It’s 3 in the morning?”

“I know. I’m sorry. I, um…”

Another long silence.

“Please, what is it? I need to get to sleep.”

“Oh, yes. Of course. You’re right. Sorry. No.” She mumbles hurriedly. Then, another silence.

“You’ve got five seconds, and then I’m hanging up.”

“Wait!” She calls out, not sure why. She just can’t let him hang up yet.

“What is it Alex?” She has no right to feel that kind of electricity through her veins when he says her name.

“…Nothing. I-… Nothing.”

After a long sigh from the other end of the phone, Alex hears him whisper.

“Why did you phone me?”

Alex feels her eyes well up with tears, and she spits out the only thing she can think of in a small whisper.

“Because I needed to know that you were ok. Because I missed you and I don’t understand.” The honesty of her response surprises even her.

A long pause. “I’m fine.”

She feels a hard paralysis in her lungs when she hears his flat response. Once again, Alex doesn’t know what else to do or say. She is usually so quick on her feet with responses, but he keeps doing this to her. Giving her nothing. It frustrates and sometimes devastates her that she hasn’t been able to break through to him.

“Look, I have to be up early. I’m going to hang up now.”

 

Feeling worn down by his stubbornness, Alex grunts an acknowledgment. She hears the phone click.

Clearly, he isn’t ok, but she out of any energy to figure it out tonight. Closing her eyes and curling up on the sofa, Alex is fairly certain she’s only made things worse for herself. He’s got more reason to hate her, and she can’t the sound of his all-too-alluring, groggy voice to stop echoing through her brain. With any luck, she’ll fall asleep on the sofa and he won’t visit her in her dreams tonight. Waking up had become torture.

And yet, she has to admit that those moments of passion with him in her sleep are also a calming escape from the ache she carries the rest of the day.

 ----

_Eyes closed, Alex grips the sheets tightly, as she feels his tongue slide into her. One hand gripping her hip, his other pulses, thumb circling her clit. She can feel an incredible fire seeping through her belly, her legs, up to her arms, and she is suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of security and happiness. He pushes up with his tongue, exactly hitting the spot he knows will unravel her. It’s only another few seconds before Alex is screaming and squeezing her thighs around him. He thrusts with his tongue all through her orgasm, easing as she comes back down._

_She feels him smile against her, and kiss the inside of her thigh. It tickles and she giggles. Reaching down, Alex grabs a tuft of hair and drags him up towards her. She pulls him into a kiss, full of all her current feelings, and feels his hand tangle in her hair and he tugs her even closer._

_His lips are warm on hers, his nose lightly brushing her cheek. She can feel his weight on her, and it feels like protection. When he finally pulls back, she opens her eyes to find him watching her intensely._

_“I love you Alex.”_

_“I love you too, darling.”_

_“You know I want to spend forever with you, don’t you? I mean, think about it. It’s going to be really, seriously amazing. We could wake up every morning, just like this. You and me, we could be so happy. We are happy! And we could be like this forever. How lucky am I? I could spend every day of the rest of my life with the most beautiful, wonderful, loving-“_

_Alex cuts him off with a firm, but quieting kiss. She loves to hear him talk about her like this, but she has learned that if she doesn’t stop him, he’ll ramble on like that for hours. Sometimes she’ll spend a whole afternoon just listening to him, his voice taking on a soothing rhythm. She didn’t need to say anything, he had it all inside him, bursting to come out whenever given the chance._

_When Alex releases his mouth, he doesn’t speak for a moment._

_“I missed you so much. I miss you so much, sometimes I think I can’t stand it.”_

_“What are you talking about? I’m right here, love.” Their bodies lay tangled together, both tracing their fingers lightly over each other. Alex smiles as she feels Matt kiss her hair and draw her in closer to him._

_“Oh Alex. My lovely, silly Alex. I want to grow old making love to you every minute of the day.” He pauses here, looking away from her. “Stay here with me forever, right here?” Alex smiles contently._

_“Of course, Matthew, dear. I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Resting her head on his chest, Alex begins to feel grogginess overtake her. Feeling chilly, she reaches for the blanket, but when she turns back, Matt is gone. Panicking, she looks around the room, but he’s disappeared. She is suddenly in bed alone, the sheets an empty mess. The only sign of his being there is one of his worn out t-shirts. It’s grey and big enough to look like a dress on Alex, but she tugs it on and breathes into it, smelling him._

____

Waking up, Alex feels more refreshed than she expects. The dream had been as devastating as the others, but she’d never had the shirt before. It’s not much, she thinks, but the imagined comfort has soothed her. She feels a small strength inside she hasn’t encountered in a long time. Rising from the couch and heading to her closet, Alex recalls her conversation with Matt the night before.

Like she’s been doing for months, Alex wants to ignore the situation and trust that it will figure itself out, while she hides out in LA. But she can’t do that this time. She’s here to film the final episode, and she’ll be back a month after that for the whole summer. She’s not sure how they can survive in the same room together right now, let alone film scenes together. This is ridiculous. She is fifty years old, and a stupid relationship isn’t going to stop her from doing her work.

Grabbing the loose grey shirt from her dream and a pair of jeans, Alex quickly comes to a decision. She has to face him. She has to talk to him, get him to talk to her in person.

Pulling on her coat and shoes, Alex heads out the door at a fast pace. If she thinks about what she’s doing, she’s afraid she’ll turn back, and be stuck in this emotional purgatory forever. It’s not far to Matt’s apartment, and Alex is there in minutes. She finds a parking spot easily, and happens to glance at the clock on her dashboard.

6:12 AM

She stops. What is she doing? It’s too early to expect him to be up. On the other hand, he said last night that he had to be up early. Worse, what if he’s left and isn’t even here? Alex starts to panic like she did last night. Suddenly, she doesn’t feel like her confident self. She feels small and naïve, like a high school kid, following a very stupid plan.

But, she thinks, what are her other options? She’s already here, and she needs to know where they stand. She needs to know why she’s so unimportant to him that he didn’t even let her know when their relationship was over. She just needs to know clearly what they are, so she can find a way to be ok and act professionally when shooting starts.

Walking slowly up to the door, Alex knocks quietly. No answer.

She clears her throat and knocks a little harder. When there’s still no sound behind the door, she raps on it with force.

“Agh, coming!” She hears angrily somewhere from inside the apartment. This may not be the best way to approach someone who was already upset with her, but she’s gotten herself worked up and nothing is going to deter her now.

Alex steps back slightly as the door flies open and she sees Matt. He’s not at all how she expected. He still has on his dress clothes from last night, the whole outfit wrinkled and one sleeve pushed up his arm. Agape, Alex tries to break the ice.

“Well, someone had a little too much fun last night, I see.”

“Sod off.” Matt looks hollowly up at Alex through reddened eyes.

She looks insulted and then laughs gently.

“I’m not being funny.”

“No, you’re certainly not. May I come in?”

“Alex, what blasted time is it?

“A bit after six. I just want to come in and talk for a moment.”

Scowling, Matt deliberates. He seems too tired to make up a reason she needs to leave, but he clearly doesn’t want her to come in. He seems to come to a decision after a few moments, and, leaning in towards her for a moment, Matt whispers “Jesus, Alex. Shit. I…”

Taking this as an invitation, Alex pushes past Matt into his living room. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 2. This one took me considerably longer than the first and gave me some trouble. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments! You're all so wonderful! 
> 
> Please give any feedback you have on this chapter, and I hope you enjoy!


	3. What Happened Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Startled, he remembers what happened last night. Not just what she had said at the fundraiser, but what happened afterwards, why he’s still in yesterday’s clothes. Jesus, Alex, he thinks. Shit. She meets his eye when he says it, and he realizes he has shared his thoughts aloud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Realized I never put up a disclaimer, so here it is as it applies to the whole fic: I don't know Alex Kingston or Matt Smith or any of the Who cast, and I don't know their lives or goings on, and mean no harm in writing about them. Anything I write is purely from my imagination (and a smattering of facts from news releases).

 

 

Matt can barely make it out of bed when Alex knocks on his door. Stumbling to the door, he can feel a serious hangover begin to take hold. He hadn’t stopped drinking until a few hours ago, and the hangover is coming on quickly.

When he opens the door, he cringes at the sharp brightness, but he recognizes the bush of hair immediately. He wonders if he’s still asleep. Matt’s been seeing apparitions of that hair everywhere the last few months, and this is too surreal not to be a mirage. He’s still debating with himself whether she’s really two feet from him when she asks to come in.

Startled, he remembers what happened last night. Not just what she had said at the fundraiser, but what happened afterwards, why he’s still in yesterday’s clothes. Jesus, Alex, he thinks. Shit. She meets his eye when he says it, and he realizes he has shared his thoughts aloud. He feels anxiety rise in his throat. There’s no way he wants Alex to see him like this right now. But, despite avoiding her the last few months, she’s been the only thing on his mind and he can’t help but want to keep her from leaving.

Before he can decide what he wants, she pushes past into his lounge, stopping short when she sees the mess of cans on the floor. There are two wineglasses on the table and she doesn’t miss them. Alex turns to face him, and he can see that she’s flustered. Not knowing how to explain without showing the hurt he’s been feeling, he tries to ignore her reaction.

“Em, you had something to say to me?” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor.

“Mm. Yes. Sorry, right. I, I just wanted to…I wanted to say…” She turns, distracted, and looks at the wine glasses again. He can see the open hurt on her face and his stomach drops. He wants to be angry at her, push her away for causing this hurt, but he can’t.

Without consciously allowing himself to, Matt moves towards Alex, stepping close to her.

“Alex.” He tries. Reaching up, he gently but firmly grasps the sides of her face. Lifting her head so her eyes meet his, he moves in another half step. He can see hurt in those beautiful green eyes, but is surprised to find desire there too. Could he be misreading her? He hadn’t been able to stare at her, touch her, in so long. He reminds himself every day that he’s supposed to be giving her up. Letting her go like she’s done him. But it’s all too much, and in this moment, he can’t imagine ever letting her out of his grasp.

“Lex, I need to tell you-“

They both hear a loud crash from down the hall, and their eyes simultaneously widen in panic. Alex breaks away, frowning.

“Oi!” A female voice comes from the bedroom. “Have you seen my shirt?”

Alex gasps, and Matt looks at her with horror on his face. She couldn’t really believe…? As she starts for the door, Matt tries to cut her off.

“No, wait! Stop, Lex. It’s not. She’s- It’s just-“

“I don’t want to know, thank you very much. I will see you on set, Mr. Smith. Sorry for waking you.”

Alex practically runs out of the apartment and down the hallway before Matt can stop her. Storming back inside, he slams the door.

“Dammit, Kaz.” He shouts.

Karen pops her head out from the bedroom.

“What?! And who did I hear knocking on the door?”

“No one! Just Alex. Alex, for Christ sake! Shit!” Matt can feel blood coursing through his veins and his head want to explode.

“Really? It was really Alex? Wowza! Well, it was good then, yeah? Talk it all out? I told you you’d both snap out of it, you know.”

“No, we didn’t talk it out nor did we snap out of it!” Matt was sure his neighbors were disturbed by his volume, but he just wanted to punch something. “Between the wine glasses on the table and hearing a woman in my flat, she assumed the worst and ran. Thanks for that!”

“Oi! Watch it! I’m here being a good friend to your sad, idiot face. Don’t push it, loverboy!”

Taking a deep breath, Matt sits down on his sofa. Karen curls up across from him with an ameliorating smile.

“So she ran out of here pretty quick, huh?”

“Can you blame her?”

“I’d think she of all people would know you wouldn’t be messing around with someone. Besides, didn’t she recognize my voice?”

“I don’t know, Kaz. Apparently not. She didn’t take that long to think about it.”

The two sit in silence for a few minutes, thinking, before Matt speaks.

“We left it pretty vague. It’s not like we’re actually, you know, a thing. She could be seeing someone and I wouldn’t know. Now I can’t even have a chat with her anymore. I’m losing her. No, actually, she was never mine to begin with. Now do you understand why I had to cut it off? She doesn’t need me in her life and so I need to start learning to be ok on my own again.”

“Oh, bollocks Matt! That’s still a giant bin of rubbish. Who knocked on whose door? At 6 in the morning, I might add! You two just need to be locked in a room together and sort it out properly. Like wild cats.”

This makes Matt chuckle a little.

“You don’t know what she’s thinking or planning. And no matter what she decides, that doesn’t mean can’t still have a relationship with her. You could still find a way to be together. Besides, why do you want to screw everything up now? You’ve got weeks of filming and the potential to spend all day together and nauseatingly flirt with each other the whole time. If you want to let that go, well then you’re as crazy as…well, whatever animal is really bonkers and dense. Like a camel or something. Seriously, Matt, why be miserable longer than you have to be?”

They don’t talk anymore after that. Karen goes home around 7:00, leaving Matt a very burnt piece of toast and a cup of coffee for when he’s out of the shower, and shouting a quick goodbye. Matt spends all morning moping around, doing everything as if wading through pudding. He has to talk to her. He knows he’s been acting like a child by avoiding her. But what is he going to do? Going to her flat to talk might give the wrong impression and be too tempting for him, but he has to address this soon or it will begin to fester like their other problems. Hoping a solution will come to him before filming starts tomorrow, Matt lays down on his bed to think and falls fast asleep.

\-----

Sitting in make-up the next morning, Matt still hasn’t come up with a good plan to talk to Alex. After his afternoon nap yesterday, he couldn't get back to sleep all night. The only thing on his mind was Alex. How could she think he'd- No, he promised Karen he'd stop thinking about it and do something. She'll be on set today and Matt doesn't think he can go another day without talking to her. He will just have to talk to her on set when they get a free minute. Maybe it will be better that way, he thinks. Both of them will want to keep it short and professional, and she wont ask a lot of questions.

With Karen and Arthur gone, Matt never seems to have any scenes free. When he first sees Alex it’s his first free minute of the day and she’s heading off to start a scene with Jenna. They exchange glances when approaching each other and Matt is struck by how puffy her face looks. He recognizes her indicators of lack of sleep: puffy eyes, fake smile, raised eyebrows as if everything is fine. He hopes for a moment that the signs of tiredness might means she’s been feeling the same way as him, but he dismisses the idea immediately.

When Matt gets within a few steps of Alex, he turns towards her.

“Hey, can we talk sometime today? Lunch maybe?”

Alex looks at him with a hard stare. “I don’t think we have anything to talk about. I was mistaken.”

“Look, just…please? Alex?”

She doesn't respond for a minute, but Matt sees her plastered-on smile flicker with doubt. He smiles and makes what he hopes is his charming face. The corner of her mouth twitches, letting slip a small, but genuine smirk. It's gone as soon as it came, and letting her gaze slide to the floor, Alex whispers almost inaudibly. “Fine."

Letting out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, Matt responds, “Fine? Ok. Good. Out back then, at lunch?”

Nodding her head almost imperceptibly, Alex glances up warily at Matt. They hold their gaze for a moment before Alex is called off and hurries past him, a stranger  again.

Feeling both terrified and relieved, Matt runs his hand through his hair. Now all he has to do is figure out in a few hours how to explain why Kaz had slept over at his without telling her it's because he looked so disheartened after that stupid event that Karen hadn’t wanted to leave him alone. He doesn’t like the idea of lying to her, especially since she usually sees right through him, but he doesn’t think he can take her pity if he told her the truth. That he is heartbroken because of her, and after hearing her callous dismissal, needed to get completely smashed and cry with his best friend. No, he couldn't say that. He made the choice to extricate himself from their relationship before he could really get hurt, and now he has to stick to that. He can't risk being hurt by her again, so he has to lie.

Matt heads to his trailer deep in thought, trying on plausible stories to feed to Alex later. With any miracle, this conversation will be the thing he needs to shake him out of his moping and move on. After today, he thinks, he might just feel a little more normal, a little less lost.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, that's the new chapter. They're not quite talking yet, but I promise, they'll get there. If you have any comments, or constructive feedback, please leave a comment! They are always loved and appreciated. I hope you enjoy! :)


	4. What We Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex reminds herself that falling for him was an accident. Somehow, over time, Matt charmed her into loving him without her consent, and she hasn’t been able to stop since. In the back of her mind she knew it was just a game he played. A back and forth sport of pretending to love each other on camera and playing at being a couple off screen. She was happy to play along at first, but this was exactly what she was dreading.

Alex feels ill when lunch finally arrives. Matt’s demeanor this morning has been markedly different today, but it’s not surprising if he’s involved with someone. She tells herself should relish the fact that Matt wants to talk to her at all, but the whole situation is beginning to be more than she can handle.

Alex reminds herself that falling for him was an accident. Somehow, over time, Matt charmed her into loving him without her consent, and she hasn’t been able to stop since. In the back of her mind she knew it was just a game he played. A back and forth sport of pretending to love each other on camera and playing at being a couple off screen. She was happy to play along at first, but this was exactly what she was dreading.

She shouldn’t be spending her time mooning over a boy who just wanted a shag. Granted, a good shag. A bloody fantastic shag, if she’s honest with herself. But she’s had enough confusion, enough sleeplessness. Standing on set, not listening to Clara as she rattles off her lines, Alex realizes she needs to act like a grownup and do what she knew she’d have to do one of these days. Give him up.

When the director finally calls the end of the scene, Alex is paralyzed by what she knows is coming. She’s lost him and there’s nothing she can do. Matt doesn’t wait for her to meet where they said, but finds her by her chair, where she grabs her bagged lunch.

“Matthew. Ready to eat?” Alex’s voice shakes only slightly as she makes idle conversation.

Matt looks at her and gives a small grin that doesn’t reach his eyes, and nods.

“Good. Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m starved. Salome was very sweet this morning and packed lunch for me. Heaven knows what’ll be in there. Probably chocolate and a banana, like last time.”

Matt chuckles at this before he caught himself, and returns to his deep look of consternation.

Alex feels her anxiety lift for a moment. If they could just fall back into their old patterns, maybe they could both forget this whole awfulness. But they’ve reached the back doors and she can’t think of anything else to talk about. Matt opens one door, letting her pass first.

As soon as the door clicks shut, he starts in.

“It was my sister. It was Laura. She popped by for a bit because, um, because we hadn’t talked in a while, oh, and she needed some sugar. No, I mean she needed something kitchen-y, and we hung out, and well, I guess we were just up late and both fell asleep, and then she, she stayed over, and lost her shirt, and then that’s what you heard, but don’t worry, she found it. And that’s it, really. So I just wanted you to know that. Good, right. Ok. Well.”

Alex scowls at Matt before responding. “Matthew, so help me. After everything that we have been through together, and you can’t even be a man enough to tell me it over. Why can’t you just say, _Alex, it’s over, I’m fucking someone else now so please don’t come round anymore. Let’s be bloody friends._ Give me that, at least.”

Matt stares open-mouthed. “How dare you, Alex? After the shit you pulled last time you were bloody here, how can you demand anything? Especially communication! I can’t believe you right now.”

“Me? You haven’t spoken to me in months, and the one time you do, it’s all terrible lies! Did you really expect me to buy your bullshit? You’re a child Matthew. You need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself!” Alex tries to restrain her anger, but she knows she’s shouting.

“Oh, is that it then? My age, yet again. I suppose you just enjoy having someone around to fuck who can make you feel like your thirty again, right? Because that’s what you do, isn’t it, Alex? You fuck with people and then you leave them. Why didn’t I see that this would happen? It was so obvious. Two husbands, jobs all over the place, a kid you never even spend time-“

At this Matt stops himself, realizing at once that he’s gone too far. He also realizes that Alex has tears streaming down her face.

“Alex, I’m so sorry. I had no right. I-

Gasping to take a full breath, Alex cuts him off and whispers slowly,

“I don’t want to see you, Matt Smith. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you ever again.”

Eyes wide with horror, Matt tries to intercede but is cut off by a crew member bursting through the back doors. He seems to notice the tension, but only said, “Starting up again in 5, guys.” Both Alex and Matt ignore him and he slips quickly back inside. Alex makes to head in the same direction but Matt moves to block her path.

“Alex wait. I’m sorry. I was angry, but I didn’t mean it.”

This time Alex explodes with everything she has in her.

“Dammit, Matt! You did! You meant every word of it and you’re an arse. You’re a son of a bitch, you know that? I can’t believe I wasted two years of my life playing this stupid game!”

“Yeah, well, me either. You started it, after all! You could have told me you’re leaving Who! You’ve known for months but you didn’t even mention it! Not once! For half a year! So, who is the arse, Alex? Hmm?”

Alex looks at the ground, confused. Slowly, she lifts her eyes to Matt.

“Who told you I was leaving the show?” She asks in a softer tone, but still with an edge of warning.

“No one, you bloody idiot. How did you think I wouldn’t figure it out? I’ve been reading Moffat’s scripts for how long now? I know when he’s giving someone a bloody sendoff. And you, my dear _River Song_ , got one hell of a goodbye this time.”

Alex begins to cry afresh. She shrugs her shoulders and crosses her arms. “Well, no one told me!”

“What?” Matt replies after a minute.

“No one’s told me I’m leaving. I guess I was just too stupid to see what you saw.” She spat. “I’ve been asking Moffat for months whether I’m coming back after this, and he’s avoided me. I guess I know why.” Alex feels more salt hit her raw cheeks and wonders if she’ll ever stop crying.

“Alex.” Matt looks stunned and perplexed. “I didn’t know you…you didn’t ask to leave?”

Alex shakes her head emphatically, unable to form words.

“I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry.” Matt whispers. At this, Alex begins to sob and Matt moves swiftly towards with his arms out. “Hey, hey, it’s gonna be ok. Lex, shh, don’t worry. I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry for everything. I’ve been the most enormous dick. Please don’t cry. It’s ok.”

“No- it’s…-not…Nothing- is…- oh…-kay.” Alex heaved through sobs. Matt wraps his arms instinctively around her and pulls her into a close embrace. She can feel his chin on the top of her head and the feeling of comfort only makes her sob louder.

“Shh, love. I’m here. We’ll figure it out, I promise. I’m here.” Alex melts into Matt, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his chest. When she can finally catch her breath again and is beginning to notice the familiar smell of Matt close by, he pulls back.

Reaching his hands to her face, Matt wipes the tears off her cheeks and from under her eyes softly, and with caution. Cupping her face in his palms, he looks her straight in the eye.

“Lex, we are going to figure this out. You are an amazing, strong, talented woman, and I know that you can handle anything. And I will be there to help you. Don’t worry about us right now, ok? First, we’ll figure out this Who thing and talk to Moffat. Alright, love?”

She nods tentatively, and feels her eyes well up again.

“No, no, no. No more tears, Lex. It’s time to get back to set. Can you handle that?” Matt asks sweetly.

Alex nods again and takes a deep breath, pulling herself together. She is in such a whirlwind of information and emotions that she is surprised when Matt’s lips gently brush her own. Kissing back reassuringly, Alex lifts one hand to his cheek. After a second, Matt pulls away, still rubbing Alex’s back with one hand and looks down at her questioningly. Alex smiles up at him with sincerity.

Moving slightly away from her, Matt leads Alex through the set doors with his hand still on her back. His touch feels like strength and Alex isn’t sure what will happen when he lets go. Inside the doors, he drops his hand, and Alex can feel a cold heaviness sink in. She remembers suddenly that nothing has changed. They are still fighting and she is still miserable. And though she now is probably out of a job, she can’t help but feel hope in the way that he kissed her.

Alex begins to walk down the hall to make-up, and before she turns the corner, she glances back to see Matt looking at her. He has a hurt expression on his face but when he sees her looking, he smiles and runs his hand through his hair. She returns a smile before turning the corner and losing sight of him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter like 5 times. Still not thrilled with it, but I need to move on with the story. Sorry it's taking so long. My job ends in 2 weeks and then I should have more time. Please tell me what you think! I know it's a bit heavy, but it will get better...Comments and feedback are always appreciated! Thank you all for reading!


	5. What's wrong, Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex felt grateful to be on better terms with Matt, to know she has someone on her side to fight with her for staying on Who, but as far as their relationship is concerned, Alex couldn't feel more amiss.

               

That night Alex is released from set well before Matt. She knows she should stay so they can go talk things out, but she’s emotionally wrecked from the day. Heading home, she can’t quite comprehend the new development in their relationship. Her muscles twitch, as if foreign to her. Their talk at lunch certainly had not made everything alright.

 There was, of course, the question of Who. And then there was the last half year of agony and torment and insecurity when she thought she’d lost him. Alex felt grateful to be on better terms with Matt, to know she has someone on her side to fight with her for staying on Who, but as far as their relationship is concerned, Alex couldn’t feel more amiss.

                Matt flew through his lines, still distracted, but with some revived energy. His movements were bigger, his words clearer. He replayed his conversation with Alex in his head over and over again, feeling everything from utter horror, to embarrassment, to overwhelming joy each minute. One thought did stick in his head, though. He hadn’t lost his Alex after all. At least not yet. And he wasn’t ready to let that happen before he figured out him and Alex. When he wrapped for the night, Matt was disappointed but not surprised to find Alex had already left. Nonetheless, he checked his trailer for her before he left, a small part of him hoping she’d be curled up there like he’d so often found her before.

           Back at home, Matt poured himself a drink, and thought yet again about what he and Alex had said that day. If she really hadn’t asked to leave Who—if she really was in the dark about the whole thing—then he’d thrown away months that he could been with Alex. Talked to her, laughed with her, shared his day with her, amongst, ahem…other things.

 But even feeling as guilty as he does, Matt can’t help but feel somewhat angry with her. He’s not sure what he wants from her or what he expected her to do, but she gave up on him too. She called him nothing. To Arthur, of all people. Looking down at the empty bottle of whiskey in his hand, Matt suddenly gets a thought he knows isn’t a good idea.

________________________________

Alex hurries out of the bathroom in her pajamas—she’d just turned on the shower, thinking it might help her get to sleep—to answer the door before the loud knocking wakes the neighbors. As she turns the knob, the door pushes in on her and she finds a somewhat inebriated Matt in her arms.

“Matt, what on earth?” She frowns, immediately running through all the negative possibilities for his appearance in her head.

He falls towards her and kisses her sloppily but with determination in reply. Alex has the briefest thoughts of resistance but her old instincts take over, and she is just as passionately returning his affections. Her body melts from the inside out and her mind is singular. Reaching up under his jacket, she flattens her hands on his sides, hauling him close, feeling the familiarity and newness of him all at once. Both pushing down their fear and bitterness, they let themselves tumble into the bedroom and down onto the bed, groping one another and twisting limbs this way and that to find every corner of each other.

Firmly planted over her, Matt grabs Alex by the chin and kisses her. First on the lips. Then on each cheek. Her nose. Each eyelid. Alex keeps her eyes closed, not daring to come to reality, as he moves down to her chin, tracing all the way down her throat with soft kisses. Alex feels herself wrap around him, lifting one leg to curl around his hip, when Matt, head still buried in her collarbone, begins to heave.

She doesn’t expect it. At first she can only feel the cries, but in seconds her skin is damp from his tears and she hears an occasion sob escape. Feeling protective and confused, Alex pulls herself even tighter around him, arms wrapped around his upper back, legs around his waist. She cups his head with her hand, clenching her fingers in his hair, but he continues to wail.

She knows this is pent up emotion from the situation the last few months and not from her, here, now, but Alex still feels rumblings of insecurity and anxiety in her stomach. She doesn’t mind strong emotions. It’s one of her favorite things about Matt. But this isn’t something she’s seen before, and she can’t bear the possibility that his emotions might come to tear him from her again.

Alex releases her grip and pulls him off the bed to the bathroom, ignoring his resistance to her moving from under him. Gripping her hand as she leads him along, he looks at her with red, confused eyes but says nothing. She lets go to turn on the water, making it hot enough to steam.

Turning back to Matt, she reaches for his shirt and starts unbuttoning it. She slips it off with his jacket and then does the same with the rest of his clothing. Standing naked in front of her, with tears still streaking his face, Matt stares at Alex without reservation. A different agony grips her.

She moves Matt under the scalding water and makes to draw the curtain, but he grabs her by the waist and doesn’t let her go. Alex cups his face lightly and tries to wipe away the tears still falling, but the water makes her efforts useless. She’s not sure whether tears hit her own cheeks until Matt leans forward and does the same. She moves forward to kiss him squarely, matter-of-factly, getting her vest wet in the process. She doesn’t bother to take it off.

Her skin is on fire and her lips feel like ice, her nerves as turned around as her head. Matt stands motionless, refusing to take his hands off of Alex. She reaches for the shampoo, shaking some out and massaging it into his scalp. She continues to shampoo his hair and wash him silently, Matt holding onto her every minute. Her wrist, her waist, her hair. When she finishes, Matt kisses her hand softly. Alex removes her vest and is about to step into the shower when her mobile rings.

Fearful it’s Salome calling from her sleepover with an emergency, she runs to the bedroom, dripping wet, to answers the phone.

“What’s wrong, Love?”

Straining to hear Salome whispering on the phone, Alex learns that she forgot a notebook she needs for tutoring tomorrow. Hanging up after a moment of reassuring her daughter, she returns to find the shower still running, a fresh towel laid out on the counter, and no Matt. Calling out, Alex gets no reply and realizes that his clothes aren’t on the floor. She goes to the front door, but he’s not outside either.

A wave of panic arises in her but it doesn’t break her like she expects. She’s too tired for another breakdown today. Alex shrinks back into the shower and goes numbly through the motions, feeling a whirl of emotions she’d rather ignore, only taking a moment to inhale deeply into the towel Matt left her. Wrapping it around herself like a blanket, Alex curls up in her bed and falls asleep before she can make it into pajamas.

That night, Alex dreams not of Matt, but of her first two husbands. She tosses and turns, reliving their lies, her pain, as if fresh again. She wakes up, eyes sore from the tears, feeling scared and vulnerable. 

After a cup of tea, Alex is more herself and feels her confidence returning. She gets ready to pick up Salome, remembering to bring the notebook she requested, working very hard to keep away all thoughts of Matt. It’s going to be a long day, she tells herself. Strapping on her emotional battle gear, Alex fixes her make-up and heads out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, don't know these lovely people, and I don't assume their lives are anything like this. 
> 
> Here's the next chapter. Sorry it took me so long! Just started postgrad and the schedule's insane, not to mention I had a bit of trouble getting inspired as to where poor Matt and Alex were headed. But here it is. Let me know how you like it, any feedback is more than welcome! (Kudos are too of course!) Enjoy! :)


	6. My Name's Matt Smith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t speak for Alex-“
> 
> Moffat cuts him off. “Do something. If she’s not here tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d be worth your time to come in either. Catch my drift?”
> 
> Matt is stunned and motionless.
> 
> “That’s why you’re the best.” Moffat says with a wink, sauntering off.

It had been two days, and Alex isn’t on set. They had rearranged Matt’s scenes to stay on schedule, but in all his time working with her, Alex had never missed a day, whether it was a table read, costume fitting, shooting, anything. He’s worried.

So worried that he paces between takes. He’s even too jittery to have his usual coffee. When he tried, he spilled it all over one of the lighting guys. He can’t help but feel like Alex must hate him for leaving. At the end of the day, Moffat pulls him aside quietly.

“I hate to ask this, Matt, but did you take something?”

Matt scratched his head, confused for a minute.

“Wait, you mean like drugs? Steven, god, no. Really?”

Moffat shrugged. “Just thought I should ask. You seemed…on edge, is all.”

Matt bites his lip but doesn’t say anything.

“Well, anyway, you and Alex work it out. I can’t have my two favorite people this distracted, now can I?”

Matt looked up and glared at Moffat. He was the reason she was distracted. He didn’t even have the decency to tell her she was fired. How dare he?

“I’ll see you both tomorrow. Right?” Moffat looks pointedly at Matt, ignoring his glare.

“I can’t speak for Alex-“

Moffat cuts him off. “Do something. If she’s not here tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d be worth your time to come in either. Catch my drift?”

Matt is stunned and motionless.

“That’s why you’re the best.” Moffat says with a wink, sauntering off.

Matt stands there for a few moments, seething, before storming to his car and driving off in a huff.

 

 

Before he knows it, Matt is banging on Alex’s door as hard as he can. It’s 8 in the morning, he knows she must be home.

He waits for what feels like forever, but when he hears the lock click, his thoughts all flood to the front of his mind. How unfair this is, how he’s hurting too, how she can’t just not show up to work, how…

The door opens and Alex is in jeans and a pull-over, with her hair pulled up.

Matt opens his mouth to let loose what he’d been thinking the whole car-ride over, but instead finds his hands grabbing hold of Alex, one hand on her hip, one on the back of her head, and smashing his mouth on hers.

After a moment, she moves her hands to his chest, pushing back, but he grabs her tighter, hauling her backwards into her apartment. He presses harder, but she moves a hand to his cheek, tugging slightly. Suddenly, she loses her footing, and falls backward. Matt tries to hold onto her, but her shirt slips through his grasp and she hits her head on the floor.

Matt is mortified and reaches to help her up, but she waves him off harshly.

“Get off. Dammit, what do you want?”

Matt doesn’t relent, grabbing her by the elbow and helping her to stand.

“I’m so sorry. Are you-“ That’s when he sees.

Salome, standing in the doorway to her bedroom, staring open-mouthed. Matt’s eyes feel like they should pop out of his head. He looks to Alex, who is looking at her feet, then back to Salome.

“Hey, poppet…”

She stares at him with growing apprehension.

“Salome, get your bag. You’re going to be late.”

Grabbing her bag, Salome stares at them as she walks to the front door.

“Bye Mum. I’ll, um, I’ll text you later.”

Alex nods and smiles at her daughter. The door closes behind her.

Alex whips to Matt, scowling.

“How dare you? How dare you! I am NOT your toy. You do not get to drop in whenever it suits you and accost me in front of my daughter, for Christ sake!”

Matt’s mind goes blank. He’s forgotten every excuse, every explanation he’d planned.

“I-“

“No!” Alex yells. Her eyes are beginning to glisten.

“I don’t want to hear it. This-“ She continues, pointing between herself and Matt. “This no longer exists. So I don’t want to hear any of your stories. I need you to leave.”

Matt felt his stomach drop. He hadn’t meant to assault her like he did. He thought his actions could show her how sorry he was. But this was an overreaction.

“Alex, look, please. Moffat-“

“Oh no. I’m not talking about that man, and I’m certainly not letting you use him as an excuse for your behavior. Get out. I’m not kidding Matt.”

Matt tries again, but she stops him with her hand out. Feeling betrayed and even angrier, Matt turns and leaves. In the hallway, he remembers Moffat’s threat.

He knocks on her door. No answer. He knocks again, softly.

“Go away.” He hears her voice right behind the door and it sounds tired.

“Alex…” He doesn’t know how he’s going to convince her to come tomorrow when he can’t even get her to see him.

“The producers-“ He stops. This is the wrong track and he knows it. He can’t guilt her into this and he certainly can’t use Moffat’s threat to lure her. His brain is clouded and his chest is aching, the fear that Alex could be serious about her declaration sinking in. Is she really gone?

Matt stands, head propped against her door. He waits, and after a few minutes, he hears soft sobs from behind the door. It kills him to think her pain is his fault. He has to make this right. Even if it means he loses her for good this time.

He knocks again. She doesn’t answer, but the crying stops.

“Hello, my name is Matt Smith. I work on Doctor Who.”

Still no answer.

“And, well, I’ve been sent with a message from the crew that they miss you very much and would like you to come back to work.”

Silence.

“Besides, they’re tired of getting harassed by that terrible actor who trips on all their cords.”

He hears chuckles behind the door.

“I spilled my coffee on some poor guy today, Lex.”

The laughter stops abruptly, and he knows he went too far. He bangs his head on the door.

“Anyway, I said I’d pass on the message. They all said the show isn’t the same without you. And if you come back, you would see very little of me. You see, I get a bit star-struck, so I’d be too nervous to hang around, really. We’d practically be strangers.”

His palm is rested flat against the door. He feels a bit foolish and turns to go.

“Ok, well. Thank you for your time Ms. Kingston.”

 

When Alex hears him move away from the door, she stands quickly, peering through the peep hole. She watches him walk all the way down the hall and out of view before she sinks back down again, knees clutched to her chest, and cries.

She finally did it. He left, gave up.

She got what she asked for, but it doesn’t feel good like it should. It feels empty and painful. She doesn’t know how she’s going face him tomorrow. Part of her wants to hit him so hard he’ll never think of hurting her again, but part of her wants to drag him into a closet somewhere and have her way with him.

This is what she gets for dating a child, she tells herself.

Alex takes a deep breath between sobs. Tomorrow will be quite an adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry that it's taken me this long to update!! I found the last chapter particularly difficult to follow up on and I've just finished my first semester of post-grad, and I let it get away from me. 
> 
> But I love this fic, and I really want to see where it goes. So, hopefully I still have some of you interested.
> 
> I will try very very hard to update much quicker after this! As always, please give kudos and/or comments if you liked it or had feedback. I love feedback, and I love to know all you lovelies are out there! :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published chapter on AO3, so be kind but feedback is always appreciated. After being so long inspired by spoilersweetie and BrinneyFriday and toldyoutobepatient and many others, I've finally tried my hand at contributing to the fandom of our favorite OTP. It took me this long to stop crying after the NotD or I would have written this earlier. Much more to come, I promise! Let me know what you like or don't and if anyone is interesting in previewing for me in the future! Enjoy :)


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